Reflections
Twenty-seven years is business has given me plenty of exposure to a wide variety of corporate personalities. I’m going to outline here four of my most memorable. I can’t really call them favorites.
Note: This post is meant for a cynical laugh for experienced business folks who have a sense of humor. If you are easily offended, please stop reading now. If you read on, and find yourself reflected in one of these personas, then maybe it’s a chance to think seriously about how you show up at work.
Kimberly in Legal
Kimberly (please don’t even think about calling her “Kim”) isn’t just difficult; she’s a precision-guided missile of corporate malice. Kimberly became a corporate lawyer expressly so that she could impose her will on others, and hide her vindictive nature passive-aggressively behind confusing legal jargon. If Kimberly hadn’t gone to law school, she would still be the school cross-walk guard, reflective sash across her torso, too frequently stopping traffic and barking orders at younger kids just because she can. Kimberly enjoys ruining your day, stalling your projects, making you wait for her on calls and otherwise making your day at work a living hell. She insists that the smallest elements of your proposed solution must meet every eventuality of the most obscure edge case. She never says “Yes”, she just forces your project into an endless, brutal purgatory of legal review. Every single person who deals with Kimberly would like to tell her off, except they’re afraid she’ll sue them.
Bob the Sales Guy
Meet Bob in Sales. He’s a living monument to the “good old days” of selling, a time before CRM software, social media, or… well, you. He’ll happily tell you, every chance he gets, that he was closing deals on his Motorola while you were still trying to figure out which end of the crayon to use. He’s not a fan of your “digital strategy” or “customer engagement platforms.” His strategy is simple: schmooze, tell a few well-worn jokes, and out-drink the competition at a three-martini lunch. Bob makes quota not because he’s good at his job, but because he’s a barnacle on a few legacy accounts that have gotten used to having him around. He’s about to be demoted to the training department, he figures his “new sales team onboarding” sessions are a chance to impart his “timeless wisdom” to the next generation. The company is hoping he’ll either retire out of boredom or be so utterly confused by the modern world that he’ll just quit.
Brittany the Administrative Assistant
Ah, Brittany, the undisputed gatekeeper of corporate influence and the proud owner of fifteen years of experience in the exact same role. She’s not smart, she’s not efficient, and her favorite part of the job is telling you “he’s not available at that time” in a tone that suggests he’s meeting with the Pope, not just the head of marketing. Brittany wields her boss’s authority like a borrowed sword, and she’s not afraid to use it. She sees herself as the first line of defense for a celebrity, a loyal fan protecting the rock star from the riffraff—which, by the way, is you. If you cross her, she’ll accidentally-on-purpose lose your email, and suddenly develop a crippling inability to book a meeting for you with her boss. She genuinely believes she is her boss’s work-wife, and resents your simple request to get a 30 minute meeting with “her guy”. Her greatest joy is telling you “no”. Just because she can.
Rajesh the Programmer
Rajesh specializes in building beautiful, elaborate castles that are missing a drawbridge, a foundation, and a front door. Rajesh isn’t here to solve your business problem; he’s here to craft his own utterly useless interpretation of it. He doesn’t believe in progress reports or collaborative work; he believes in the “big reveal.” For six weeks, he’s a ghost, buried in his code, subsisting on caffeine and a delusion of his own brilliance. When he finally emerges, blinking into the light, he presents a tangled web of code and excuses. The solution is unworkable, and completely out of line with the business need you presented. When you confront him, he won’t admit fault. Instead, he will calmly explain how you, a mere business professional, failed to understand the intricate dance of 0s and 1s. The “and” statements, he’ll say, were misplaced, and the entire project’s failure is your fault. He’s a master of reverse accountability, a programmer who blames the user for his own bugs.
My Solution
My solution is simple. I’m preparing to get away from these people permanently. Until then, I am writing this post scoffing at their ways to make me feel better.
Your Key Takeaway
If you’re still in the corporate world, just laugh at these personalities and take them with a grain of salt. And, while you’re at it, get working on that plan to escape the corporate grind.